Santa Claus Logistics Enhancements

M E M O R A N D U M

To:	All North Pole Employees
From:	S. Claus
Subject:	Logistics Enhancements

With the advent of the explosive and unexpected population boom of new children around the world, commencing 9 months after COVID lockdowns began, it has become clear that we urgently needed to modernize and enhance our operations to meet this new demand.

As we all know, our physics group have been alarmingly warning that we have been pushing the limits of physics for the past 5 or so centuries of operations. I tasked our logistics group to come up with a 5-decade plan that I am formally adopting, commencing this year, which includes…

In the northern hemisphere, particularly in Scandinavian, Icelandic, Northern European territories, as well as the UK and Canada, we will lean more towards utilizing our flying snowmen group for distribution.

Alas, since it is known that some of the snowmen (and our beloved, Prancer and Vixen, of course) are in same sex relationships together, they will not be permitted to operate within the territorial airspace over Russia for fear for their immediate arrest and physical safety. Our logistics group are still trying to work out what we can do to deal with this troubling region.

In the southern hemisphere, particularly in Australia, we will increase the number of kangaroo mobs of white boomers dramatically to geo locate these mobs into more appropriate urban centers. We also intend to upgrade the white boomers to red kangaroos in central Australia and northern Queensland to provide for faster and longer operating runs. Roodolf will lead the audition process.

Analysis is still being done on how to deal with New Zealand, since kiwis, wallabies and sheep have all proved ineffective in achieving operating standards.

Fortunately, recent developments in China , have dramatically reduced our presence and footprint required. This means our Chinese assets will now be relocated to Thailand, South Korea, the Philippines, Indonesia and to KFC’s throughout Japan .

Commensurate with the reallocation of Chinese assets through the APAC region, we will also establish a trial of deploying localized secret distribution centers to reduce flight times for the reindeer to the North Pole and back in order to restock… If successful, we will roll out this local distribution model next year on a global basis. Also, in the APAC region, we are going to test sponsorship in partnership with Air Asia, who will be our freight handler for restocking these distribution centers. Air Asia will receive a logo on both sides of the sleigh and each reindeer will be outfitted with an Air Asia branded harness.

Our elves have been busy all year, planning how to increase those on the naughty list… our very own mischievous Elf On The Shelf deployed a terrific campaign of peeing in the lemonade, which proved very effective in adding so many to the naughty list, thereby reducing our gift distribution burden. To give the elves more time to maximize the size of our naughty list, we are going to outsource approximately 30% of our gift wrapping to hallmark.com as a trial.

To reduce drag and resistance on the primary sleigh, we are working with Apple designers in Cupertino to streamline its ornateness, to make it more aerodynamic, and therefore, reducing reindeer effort, and increasing speeds to which our physics group are very excited by.

Logistics recommended that we start using new technologies to reduce physical efforts. To this end, we are adopting a new drone program to offset or eliminate some of my activities, particularly as my gout and arthritis has been playing up in recent decades. Approximately 11,000 drones, each operated with their own elf team, and placed strategically around the globe, along with extra battery packs will be used for the 31 hours of delivery.

All of these new measures come at great cost and our finance group are still at odds with how to achieve. Further budget reductions will be inevitable. Kickstarter, and other similar financial tools are being considered.

We are, additionally, negotiating splitting profits between the Salvation Army global operations, since we have never charged the Salvation Army a license fee for use of our image, including Santas haute couture. We understand that the producers of It’s a Wonderful Life are similarly seeking retroactive royalties for use of the bell ringing.