The Benefits of Growing Older
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are more likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00pm.
- You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s medical conditions.
- You get into heated arguments about the price of groceries.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- And with a slight adjustment to your hearing aid, you won’t notice their parties either.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Your joints are more accurate than the weather reports.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Thanks for the Memories
If you were born before 1950, you were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the pill. There weren’t things like radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners and he hadn’t walked on the moon.
You got married first then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every kid over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. Until you were 25, you called every man older than you ‘sir’. Sunday was set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and just visiting with your neighbors.
You were before gay-rights, computer dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy. Your life were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense. You were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for your actions. Serving your country was a privilege, living in it was a bigger privilege.
You thought fast food was what you ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. And time-sharing meant time the family spent together -not condominiums.
You had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, CD’s, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt or guys wearing ear rings. You listened to the ‘big bands’, Jack Benny and the President’s speeches on the radio. If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk!
The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza’s, McDonald’s and instant coffee were unheard of.
You had 5 and 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a street car, and a cola were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to ‘splurge,’ you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail a letter and two postcards. You could buy a new car for $600, but who could afford one. Too bad, because gas was only 11 cents!
In your day, ‘grass’ was mowed, ‘coke’ was a cold drink, ‘pot’ was something mother cooked in, and ‘rock music’ was grandmother’s lullaby. ‘Aids’ were helpers in the Principal’s office, a ‘chip’ meant a piece of wood, ‘hardware’ was found in a hardware store and software wasn’t even a word.
